This Is My Story

Author's Note: This piece of writing is meant to encourage and to inspire, not to defame anyone.

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There was once I went with Tsiyin, Anne and Anne's boyfriend to THEFACESHOP looking for skin care products. I was looking for something that could heal acne scars. The promoter recommended a product and I asked her this very duh question, “Does it work?” She nodded. I bought that thing. It was very expensive. 15ml for RM49.90. As soon as we walk out the store, Tsiyin said, “Sheesh, you asked a really stupid question. Definitely she would say it works duh!”

Like how subliminal messages are proven unable to change people’s conceptions i.e. the havoc about screening fastfood advertisements before screening movies in the cinema causing people to opt for fastfood after the movie was proven invalid, rather it was the people’s expectations that work miracles. So I assume that as long as the product does not give rise to any obvious adverse effects, my expectations would make it work. Just like how I chose to believe when my former boyfriend told me that he would love me forever. Just like how I chose to believe when he says he will never leave me.

Maybe it was the very obvious adverse effects that had cause my downfall. In the end, the product failed to function as it claimed and my face was covered with awful breakouts (this is an analogy THEFACESHOP did work). It happened one night and I was so afraid to tell anyone in school the next day. I’ve just known Anne for like, a month. We were having classes together in the computer lab that dreadful Friday. She was so happy chattering about her boyfriend coming back from UK, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her to shut up. It was in class that I chose to tell her via Facebook. I forgot to unlock the Caps Lock so I suppose it must have looked weird. WE BROKE UP. She asked why and tears started to well up for me. Venue was a lab with classmates and the tutor, a place where I don’t want to break down so I sort of bit my lip and prayed that the class would be over soon. I zombthed throughout the tutorials, the tutor was saying something about the present assignment I wouldn’t respond to the extent that Anne had to scribble the points down on my book so that I don’t miss out. Shit.

I’d hate to break down in front of someone I’ve just known, but I did. I cried in front of Anne. It was weeks after I met with the old friends. Cynthia was shocked. Tsiyin was expecting that though. “Are you still in that post breakup stage?” “Guess I’m not anymore.” “Good.” And they said something that made me felt better but would definitely hurt his self esteem. What not? I didn’t write this just to hurt someone.

A friend of mine said this, “I’d rather my boyfriend cheat on me with a guy.” I was like, Woah. But she was very honest with her feelings. If it were a girl I would feel like he’s telling me in my face that I don’t mean anything after all, like I could be replaced. He did not cheat on me. I chose to go on with his statement although I, frankly, sort of suspected its authenticity. I didn’t ask for more information though, because I don’t want to know. However, I must admit that I had refused to recognize that I had felt that I don’t mean anything to you after all feeling and I was really depressed at the thought, after all it was not a short period of time we’ve spent together. I kept trying to put up that ‘I don’t care’ mask thinking I could glide on smoothly. Life is not a masquerade party. When obvious facts keep appearing before my eyes, there was nothing I could do but take courage to shrug them off and get on with life, for if I don’t, until this day, I would still be crying (and I got really tired of crying).

This was what he taught me when we’re dealing with issues I dislike about him. You have to really accept it you can’t just pretend to accept it because it won’t work. Easier said than done, but I’ve made it. The key point is to be honest to your feelings. It was not easy for me, and it still isn’t. I have incorrigible pride. I have beautiful, good looking, extremely-smart-scholarship-holders, successful-award-winning-entrepreneurs cousins surrounding me, although parents do not pressurize me, I myself have the burden of trying very hard to make up to their standard. While a number of them had already succeeded in worldly standards: good academic results, good job, happily married or in a happy relationship, my breaking of attachment with him would simply indicate that I’ve chosen the wrong boy. Seems like a small matter but it was my self-consciousness that had magnified it. I had not gotten over this issue though, and I still had my mask on. Uncles, aunties and cousins did not inquire about us though, they knew I’m uncomfortable with it.

It was a great relief when I finally could be honest with friends and family. Yes, I had been jealous. In fact, very jealous. But not anymore, ever since I confronted and conquered that disruptive emotion. Triumphant! Victory is mine. I’m a coward I’m scared of taking revenge, furthermore vengeance is not so sweet so I did not opt for it. I admit that although I said, “Okay~ ^^” with that stupid smile when he asked if we could still be friends, what I wanted to say inside was, “Wem gfys!” where my id and ego had wanted to bash him up, superego overruled. Triumphant again! I love Freud. His reasoning is ever readily applied in my writing. I’m not saying that he’s the jerk and it’s all his fault for this mess he’d caused me because some point in time, I had been the real bastard. Just as the old man at home had warned me about, “You’re doing the wrong thing at the wrong time.”, and I told him, “Shut up you stupid old man what do you know about love you can’t stop it when it comes and I’m in love!” Just as the old woman at home had told me, “Be careful, it might turn out that you’re the one getting dumped.”, and I told her, “Shut up you stupid old woman God says love endures forever what do you know about love.” Everything turned out to prove me wrong and proved my old people right. I had thought that this is the new world and things that happen to them do not necessarily happen to me, thus their logic does not apply. As God says,

“The eye that mocks a father,

that scorns obedience to a

mother,

will be pecked out by the ravens

of the valley,

will be eaten by the vultures.

Proverbs 30: 17

He who trusts in himself is a

fool,

but he who walks in wisdom

is kept safe.

Proverbs 28: 26

Serves me right.

I am nineteen this year, and this is my story, a turning point in my life. I learn valuable lessons. I could have waited my whole life for his ring, a symbol of his commitment to nurture and love me for the rest of my life. I didn’t get to that day though. I’ve always thought that I could write a love story that would make the world pause for a moment, so I kept a journal recording all of our happenings, from how very different we were but still is able to make it to my happy ending. My happy ending is very conventional. My story would end with: And they lived together happily ever after. But it didn’t though, it was marked at: And they went on separate ways, with grief and resentment. The first story had ended, but in my opinion, it marked the beginning of another, simply based on the fact that if I did not make it to wear his ring, I will put on the ring of another man who somewhat suits me better. It would be the same for him and it would be two happy endings for two different stories rather than just one.

Dear former boyfriend,

Although our journey together had not been a pleasant one, or maybe just summarize it in few words: bitter and insincere. I acknowledge the fact that we had tried our best not to fall apart. And when we did, I held no grudges against you. I really hated you for those words you said after the separation, how you mocked me, my family, my faith and everyone related to me. But somehow in those circumstances, you made me a more resilient person. You have made the right decision, although it had made me develop hostile feelings for you. Everything happened for the better of me. Everything is in His plans for me, plans to prosper and not plans to harm. I would say, for an anxious person like me, if it weren’t for the promises God held for me, I couldn’t have got up. Maybe I could, after a long time when I’ve outgrown that awkward stage of developmental psychology.

I just thank you and thank you and thank you, for assisting me in my growth in stature and in mind. I am much happier now don’t worry and I hope that you will find the path that suits you best.

Szehui

This is my story. An inspiration on the current largest event that had happened in my life, where a very important person had to leave and I was made to face issues I had avoided confronting in the past. All credits to God and those who had lend a comforting hand in my state of helplessness for it all contributed to the self assumed improved me today.

When I was doubtful of my self worth, God says,

All beautiful you are, my darling;

there is no flaw in you.

Song of Songs 4:7

Another favorite verse:

When my heart was grieved

and my spirit embittered,

I was senseless and ignorant;

I was a brute beast before

you.

Yet I am always with you;

you hold me by my right

hand.

You guide me with your

counsel,

and afterward you will take

me into glory.

Psalm 73: 21-24

I love Song of Songs and Psalms! :) Glory be to God!